I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP