It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback