When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I think I’ll stand
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.