Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.