Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
See..?
.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken