who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.