I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
ACED my prostate exam!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Seductively hides in the woods
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.