Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT