[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
You Might Also Like
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.