Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.