Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?