Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Cake safety first. Always.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩