My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.