I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.