When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”