Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me