boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
*watches the world burn*
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?