Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life