First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many