My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Investing in beetcoin
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition