So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it