Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.