As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
You Might Also Like
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Optional boss fight.
What if the weather talks about us?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow