When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson