When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
#NoRestForTheWicked
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”