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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate