You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.