this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
same vibe as tangled headphones
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar