ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.