Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Cool shirt 🙂
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.