Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.