I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]