“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?