kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
You Might Also Like
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
O Wise One….
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing