Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Milk Cube
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.