Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Pretty much! 😂👀