BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it