*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”