I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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this is uni
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.