It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.