Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣