sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.