All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
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I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.