Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
This is my brand.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.