Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
You Might Also Like
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.