the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face