I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
You Might Also Like
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
This is me 🤣🤣
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life