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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
this is how life feels
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.