[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I think I’m having a stroke
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
man i love columbo
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*