If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…